CPAC Crowns Rand Paul’s Toupee Winner in the "Turkey" in the Straw Poll

I'm the next Prez!  Yessum!

Washington, DC – Surprise!  Thanks to his 13-hour filibuster protesting killing Americans with drones (instead of the old fashioned way: with poisoned groundwater) until he had to leave the Senate floor to take a poo, Senator Rand Paul, R. – KY was named the belle of the ball-less at CPAC this weekend!

The Mad Hatter of the Tea Party unseated Senator Marco Rubio, R-FL (the Great Latino Tea Party Hope), who came in a close second because he ran out of drinking water and didn’t have any Ricolas because the soothing throat lozenges were likely made by the Swiss Social Democratic Party instead of the Swiss Radical Party, which likes to give hand-jobs to big business just like our GOP at home!  Plus, those-herbal-throat-lozenge-making bastards probably have a union for their employees too!!  Also, Rubio got distracted by trying to avoid talking about how to keep other Latinos out of America who might try to steal his water.

Anyway, we all know straw polls this far out from the next presidential election don’t mean anything (see: Michele Bachmann).  Besides, once Rand deep throats a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair in 2015, it will be all over. Even if his toupee doesn’t fall into the fryer.  Because you see folks, the Tea Party is getting weaker than a regularly recycled bag of Earl Grey.  Plus, they are so self-obsessed that they probably have never even noticed that while they've been polishing their guns, they been paying the lowest income taxes since circa 2000.  Good luck Randy!

Mayor Michael Bloomberg Would Have Your Pretty Little Head on a Stick, Sarah Palin!

Washington, DC - Even though a (likely type II diabetic) judge struck down NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg's ban on 32-ounce sugary sodas, that didn't stop America's self-proclaimed idiot sweetheart from gulping at CPAC.  Naturally, it's DIET Dr. Pepper so we have no fear of Sarah developing cankles.  Did you know bendy straws are in her contract?  Why isn't there a vocal coach in her contract? That's what I've been wondering since 2008.  That voice is like fingernails on a blackboard.  You betcha!  What does this mental defective possibly have to say at this point?  Oh yeah, "Lipstick, hockey, freedom, Jesus, Jesus, Momma Grizzlies, GUNS!" I was going to go to CPAC to cover it, but I polled my friends and nobody gave a shit.

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